Last night I dreamt I died. I was driving along a mountain road alone in the car. I could see my destination in the distance and my mind began to wander and focus on where I was going rather than the road in front of me. Next thing I knew I was headed over a ravine and could feel myself falling in the car and there was nothing that I could do to stop it happening – I just knew that I was going to hit the bottom and I did. I felt no pain and it was as if I was watching an underwater scene where it was silent and I couldn’t quite reach through to be in it. I saw a helicopter and paramedics come and I heard them say “she is still responsive”. I knew that I wanted to see my husband and was waiting for him to arrive. He was also flown in by helicopter and after he arrived and I saw him I died.
I have had falling dreams before but none where I actually died or saw myself dying. Lately I have been receiving the message that a ‘part of me is dying’ so that a new part may be reborn.
An indicator of what this might be can be seen in the astrology. The recent planetary transits of the conjunction of Pluto Saturn and Jupiter were conjunct my natal Saturn Jupiter conjunction in Capricorn opposite my Venus n Cancer. In layman’s terms this is about a need to let go of my need to please authority figures at the cost of my own happiness. This is a very deep psychological pattern, most likely set up as a survival strategy from early childhood, that really really does not serve me any longer and needs to die. This has to die in order for me to have what I would love in the world, which is to be me my own authority and communicate my love as a healer and nurturer.
Everyone has these deep patterns and a friend of mine who teaches about them calls them ‘macro patterns’. They can be identified by the things that we go for in life but never achieve. We always, always take the same steps in the pattern, that can be uncovered and reveal the energy behind why we are doing what we are doing. The work is called macro-patterning.
Partaking in healing and energetic work can produce amazing shifts but we always need to take individual responsibility to take action steps that would result in lasting change. More often that not we expect a healing, a drug, a person to fix us and make us whole but these are only tools to help guide us along the way to ultimately heal ourselves. Healing is about consciously raising our own vibration by shining a light on dark places so that we can bring these parts of us into awareness and ultimate healing. Following an energetic healing instructions are often given as ‘homework’ to ensure that the ‘new’ energy is not overtaken by the old energetic imprints and patterns. It is so important to take action on what is required to make lasting change. It’s a bit like the 12 steps of AA – trusting that we can heal with the help of a Higher Power that is greater than ourselves while at the same time continuing to take personal responsibility.
Personally, for many years I have kept my healing practice as a sideline while I continued to advance myself through other more ‘recognised and acceptable’ work. This has created a situation where I always seem to be ‘time poor’ and the cost of this is that I am subject to ‘burn out’ because I leave no time to nurture myself, which is so important for healing work.
The dream I had last night says to me that it is time to focus on what is right in front of me and stop doing what I think I need to do to achieve long term success. Now is the time to move to the beat of my own drum, to focus on driving my own vehicle to my own destination. This brings up fear in me because I have to let go of what seems to be secure and stable, and risk not being ‘accepted’, particularly by my husband, who I needed in the Dream to be with me before I could transition.
However, if the Coronavirus has taught me anything, it is that nothing is as secure or stable as we might have imagined, and things can change in the blink of an eye. Life is short and in order to have true freedom we need to be present and live our life in the present moment. It is important to have goals and visions but ultimately we need to enjoy the journey. It is time.